Game and Frame of Reference

The fundamental issue for a man is dominance in his own world.
Something in the bigger picture of my college education made me understand something few of my peers would even accept, much less understand. This was the overwhelming necessity of ignoring whether a gal was fun and exciting to me, and considering whether she was as committed to my mission as I was. Benighted as I was, not really knowing what my mission was, I most certainly knew that my mission was I knew whomever I married would first and foremost have to be burning with a desire to serve the same religious calling.
And I knew beyond all doubt a solid romantic attachment would follow in due time. That was my secret weapon, so to speak. I wanted to avoid that emotional intoxication (cathexis) which leads so many people in the wrong path, and destroys more marriages than it builds. It’s not about love and romance, but partnership. It’s human nature; that other stuff takes care of itself if you pay attention to what really matters. It did.
I intentionally married someone with a slightly lower sexual market value (SMV). Not that I was the pick of the litter by any means, but I knew hotter gals had reached out to me, and what they had in mind was something entirely different than what I knew I had to do. What mattered most was that sense of divine calling, and I found someone convinced of that herself. She was cute enough, but that really wasn’t much of a consideration. Now, nearly 35 years later we still have a roaring hot romance, and she’s my best friend. We never betrayed each other’s trust, either. This is how it was supposed to work, so I’m proof it can.
There is a considerable amount of Game lore which fills out the details, but the fundamental issue remains one of the man’s dominance. Whenever I’m asked to counsel, I ask questions which help me understand the relative SMV and how each perceives that. With women, my primary effort is getting her to see she and her husband are partners first, and lovers second. Then I help her see ways she stop turning her guns on him and start targeting the outside world, which is the biggest threat they face, otherwise. She has to get some serenity — accepting the things which cannot be changed by either of them, and taking charge of those she can and should fix.
For him, it’s building dominance. If he has it, she will always respond and be less trouble. The form of dominance depends a lot on her and him and the chemistry. But often it’s a combination of helping him raise his SMV — physical fitness, developing a sense of self-assurance, etc. There will always be limits, but he needs to take it as far as it can go. But all of that means nothing, if they don’t have a unified sense of mission.
Very often the biggest barrier there is lack of clarity about convictions and how they work, how your conscience is merely your intellect’s interpretation of your convictions. Convictions in themselves are too subtle, too substantial, and too ineffable to be so easily described. Your conscience will shift as you get a better connection to your convictions. Convictions are best seen as more durable than your life. Once I get a man to grasp his identity is best understood in light of his character and convictions, the self-assurance tends to come naturally. He needs to be at home with himself.
The corollary to this is aplomb. The man hard to stir is the man who remains dominant. Granted, my being a clown offers the same effect. That is, whatever I tend to be all the time hardly changes when the conditions bounce off track. My way of handling tension and lack of tension is pretty much the same — I don’t take myself that seriously. That’s because it’s not about me, but it’s about the mission. Other men exhibit disentanglement in other ways, but failure to engage is simply not an option. You engage, but when the world is crazy, you remain who and what you were before. Same thing when she gets crazy, too.
It’s quite unlikely she won’t. She’s a woman, and her impulses are more variable than yours. That’s what makes her so interesting. Let her have everything she asks, so long as you know it won’t affect the mission, which includes your dominance. Draw firm lines and when she tries to seize the steering wheel, you have to break her grip or stop the ride. You can’t force her back on course, but you can refuse to be drawn off yours. Whatever it takes to keep from handing her too much control of the wrong thing is what you have to do.
That includes not putting her on a pedestal. Don’t give her the privilege of being the center. The mission is the center, and you hover over it closely. All the attention goes to the mission, and you honestly report to her how she’s doing as your partner. Don’t praise her for simply being a woman, nor for simply being involved. Praise her genuinely for accomplishments along the path of improvement, and for trying. Let her know honestly when you are disappointed. Obviously, you’ll have to learn the art of communicating to her so she can hear what you say, and not get lost in the subtexts of her own mind. Her security rests entirely in her commitment to the mission, not in any other thing.
Meanwhile, be sensitive to her feelings, even when you can’t do anything about them. She’s the only one who can make her happy. That you notice shows engagement, and if you can learn the art, strive to meet her where she is in her feelings. Lift her when she’s weak, reassure her when she’s feeling insecure, and remind her often you are so glad she’s on your side. But don’t ever accept responsibility for how she feels. You’ll screw up, for sure, but that’s being human, and you can apologize pointedly for the real mistake without groveling. You can clean up your messes without losing your authority. She must be able to depend on you for a solid consistency. She is dependent; you are reliable.
Strive to adhere to the fundamental truth: You could do without her, but you’d rather not.