Don’t Wait for Me

This is a “get to know me better” post. I can’t recall if I’ve shared this in the past, but if nothing else, it tells you where I am today.

When I finally made a break from mainstream church and began doing the house church thing, a short time later I came under the conviction that I was an “arrow in the quiver” — someone being fitted for ministry under conditions that would not arise for a while yet. This was not really news so much as a concrete realization of something that plagued me my whole life.

It was around age 9 when I realized that God owned me and was calling me. It took until age 16 to realize that this sense of calling was fairly specific. To be honest, I got darned little help from those responsible for my spiritual growth in my youth. I’m not blaming them for failing me, but it was a critical element in the calling itself. I was being led through a lifetime of frustration with mainstream Christian religion, because God has a word of judgment against that religious system. In some ways, I am that word.

I jumped through all the hoops for ministry preparation. At every point along that path, I knew in my heart that the system was wrong. Everyone kept telling me that it was my duty to conform to the system. I tried; I succeeded at all the measures, but rarely did anyone take seriously the idea that I was called by God. Those moments were so rare that I can recall them with clarity, but it was always from people who were in no position to help me very much in my struggle with the system.

Over the past two decades I slowly nailed to the cross my sense of personal insult about all of this. Nobody set out to destroy me; there was no particular conscious evil in the system. But the system was wrong and everyone I dealt with was part of that system. At the very least, the system was wrong for me. People could tell I had a zeal for God but they had no use for my mission; they had no experience in such things and made no room for even thinking about it. And I understand that the part of the system that kept rejecting me was the part that belonged to the wider worldly system that rejects the gospel still to this day.

At some point in the past decade I understood enough to tell someone that the reason I wasn’t involved in mainstream ministry was because I was an arrow in the quiver, prepared for a situation that was coming, but had not yet arrived. Several times during those ten years I wrongly believed that the moment had come. Several times I tried to start some work when the fruit was not yet ripe. During those times I attempted to use what I thought God had provided for that mission, but I was mistaken. Some of those attempts are on record on this blog.

Right now I can tell you that the moment has not yet arrived. I’ve gotten more patient about that. My only concern right now is that I’ll be slow to respond when it finally does come time for God to put me into the battle. I know that what He’s saving me for will be a time of chaos and turmoil. That’s upon us, but I know in my heart that it will rise slowly, and we haven’t hit that mark on the invisible flood gauge yet. God won’t show me that gauge until we are there.

Don’t wait for me. Unless you have sensed a specific call to serve alongside me in some way, such that you know in your heart that your ministry is tied to mine — there can’t be very many of you — don’t look for me to be your cue to get on with your calling. I am not the indicator for everyone who claims the Radix Fidem covenant. When you sense that calling, get to work. I’m not some general who must give the signal for the attack. I’m just another servant like the rest of you.