Who Am I?

God has commanded me to ready myself to lead a group of people in a faith community.

As I’ve been devoting myself in prayer to preparation for leading a congregation, there’s been a lot of soul searching. It’s important to know for myself consciously what kind of elder I’ll be, and what are the pitfalls that come with that. I’m not silly enough to imagine I can conquer all my flaws; some are hard-wired, or nearly enough to it that God tells me it’s not worth fighting.

So the first thing is that I’m very introspective, very self-conscious in the sense of praying often that God would reveal myself to me (see Psalm 139). Like most introverts, I draw strength from time alone, and I use that strength for performing publicly when it’s appropriate. I can’t do it all day long, day after day. It’s not fair to the audience; I wouldn’t be able to give them what God says they need.

I’m a nonconformist. Not in the sense of rebelling against everything, but in a more substantive way of wondering and questioning everything I’m told is good and right. Indeed, I work hard at not rocking the boat unless I see it sinking already. Most of the time it’s just good tactics to play along with what’s common around me, but the underlying strategy is to look for things that justify rebellion. And at the point of rebellion, it’s likely worth my life.

I grew up in the rural economic lower class; I’m a peasant. I have a strong distrust for people who appear to be middle class in cultural orientation. Upper class folks don’t bother me much, but the pretense of the middle class has been no end of pain for me. I’m perfectly willing to skip all the so-called opportunities to avoid having to act like the materialistic, often prissy, middle class. I don’t even own a tie, nor a shirt that would permit a tie. I’m quite comfortable being a pauper; I’ve been homeless a few times and quite often nearly so in my adult life. I’ve been hungry plenty of times. Often it was because I refused to compromise on something that drove my conscience, and I regret none of that.

And I’d rather do without if “help” means compromising on things God requires of me.

I’ve noted in the past that I’m neither left nor right. The division between those two is artificial, in part because the civilization behind it is inherently wrong. But in practice, I wind up supporting things that are characteristic of both sides; I’m rather eclectic about it. In terms of government policy, my values come from a totally different civilization. So, for example, I prefer libertarian social policy, but not their economic policies. That’s because, under Western social values, I’d rather be free to do what God says I should do. But in terms of economic policies, I’d rather the government did some things libertarians don’t like.

Thus, I don’t think much of the American tradition of absolute property rights when it comes to real estate. I believe a certain amount of public access is a divine mandate, and I’m not troubled much by the use of legal condemnation of property and seizure to gain that access. I’m sure we’d all draw the lines differently, but I’m not troubled by the federal government nationalizing some property. I am troubled by the use of arbitrary wildlife preservation policies that justify some of the silliest and most useless seizures, because it often hides a corrupt agenda. I don’t support the Greens by any means; that’s pagan idolatry. On the other hand, Creation is sacred in its own right, and it’s provided by God for our use. I have no hope that the US will ever see it done right, but I do want some freedom of access so I can do what’s required of me.

I’m always perfectly willing to volunteer my time and effort to improve public access lands, too. The problem is that most people want that done in a highly organized fashion that grates on my nerves. So most of the time I just do stuff I know will improve the experience of users on my own without help. It’s easier to be ignored, or to at least get forgiveness, than it is to get official permission.

I really detest high taxation and confiscation of movable property. I have no use for Child Protection services and I think this warrants a deadly violent response where possible. I note that it’s rarely possible, so I’m not suggesting open warfare. Still, this tendency of the Nanny State is by far the most evil thing in American society. I am convinced that the US system of government offers no grounds for restricting the “rights” of any sexual perversions people can dream up between consenting adults, but child molestation is generally a violation of parental rights, and bestiality is violence against Creation. I don’t care for public education and if we don’t regulate vehicle traffic pretty tightly, experience alone shows it would be a massive disaster in our society. I favor open carry of firearms, and I don’t give a damn about people’s feelings when it comes to “speech codes.” Those are just samples.

I realize that I’m out on the fringe in many ways. I’m difficult for a lot of folks to take. What that means is that I don’t expect to touch a wider audience in meat space. The online world is a wholly different matter, but in the flesh, I doubt there’s a large number of people who could commit to working with me that closely. Rather, I’m here to shepherd those who aren’t going to fit in with the mainstream in the first place. That means meeting such people will be a miracle of God, because people like me hang out in the shadows already.

That doesn’t mean I can’t work with a more mainstream group if they want me around. So far, my presence and calling has been disruptive, and I would rather leave than confuse folks about what I’m there to do. I’ve been accused several times of trying to hijack ongoing activities. I’m not angry about that, just disappointed, and determined not to give that impression again.

This is why I use the label “Christian Mystic” a lot. For most people, that’s about as close as we are going to get for the purpose of discussing my mission. If they aren’t turned off by that, maybe we can talk about it. Otherwise, it serves as a warning to folks who have no real interest in what I’m doing, because they are selling their own brand.

I fully expect to compromise on some issues; that’s how real life works. Spiritual wisdom is knowing which compromises dilute your mission, and which ones just mean extra work and worry. I don’t take myself that seriously. I take the mission very seriously.