The old adage of “know thyself” has a particular meaning in Romance.
I regard my marriage as unusually successful, in the sense we are a perfect match. Aside from it being a miracle of God in the first place stumbling across such an incredible woman, but it was a miracle I recognized her for the treasure she was and is. It was my good fortune to have received a good bit of training in offering marriage counseling before I got married myself. I took my own advice, and chose someone who really does understand what makes me tick, who is as committed to my faith and calling as I am, and has always backed me in my wildest schemes to engage that calling. She still does.
Very near to me is someone whose marriage recently crumbled. The fellow is some grade of psychopath. It’s not as if he simply isn’t in touch with his own feelings; aside from the most primitive fear, anger and appetites, he really doesn’t have too much feeling at all. And he cannot imagine caring about anyone else’s feelings. Not particularly cruel, but simply not equipped. Since he’s not an evil genius as well, he has turned out to be mostly harmless to the world around him. He can be charming when it matters to him, so he’s aware others do have feelings, and is fairly crafty at manipulating people, but he’d rather not deal with them too much. All he ever really wanted was his wife as his slave.
The lady in question married too early and never knew herself. When his treatment made her angry, she refused to acknowledge it because it would have required acting, and she simply had no capacity to act on it. She is by far more intelligent than her ex-husband, but until the kids were gone, she never had much time to capitalize on it. Once she got some professional training, and began working and getting a big paycheck, she slowly realized her dependence on him was bogus. She knew intellectually she was simply enabling what amounted to his addiction to total control, but had gone too far too long to simply walk away.
So while he spent his whole adult life keeping her under his thumb, constantly crushing her feelings in the name of being honest, he would never allow her to have friends or develop any form of independence. When that independence developed on its own, the trouble began stirring. He felt the control slipping from his fingers and, in essence, panicked. He pushed one time too many, too far, and it all came apart. She didn’t know what she wanted to do, but she wasn’t going to live with him any more.
It’s interesting is to watch as she discovers who she is. Not knowing was what kept her in a very bad marriage all these years. To be honest, their children are surprised she waited so long. They all fled as early as they could, and he was happy with that. Meanwhile, he still has no clue. He still believes it will blow over and she will return to her chains. As far as he was concerned, when he was happy, she was, too. It’s a form of projection.
This is what happens when people start off on the wrong foot. Granted, some never do realize they really don’t know themselves, and pass on from this life having never seen. But those who do often break away from a lot of things which probably didn’t belong, things inconsistent with their convictions as they discover them.
For those who want to shake a finger about Christians and divorce, let’s review things. A psychopath by definition is not spiritually awakened. When someone is abusive and cannot even bother to feel remorse for the harm they do, you are not required to regard them as a fellow Christian. At some point, putting up with the emotional and physical abuse can be a threat to the Kingdom itself. I have always proclaimed: You individually before the Lord must decide when His calling requires of you to close the door on someone because their proximity damages your faith and testimony. If we can ostracize those who drift so far as to blaspheme, we can also ostracize those who actively interfere with and prohibit walking in faith.
