After 30+ years, I confirm today I could not have made a better choice in whom to marry. It won’t matter how you choose to measure such things; my wife is the one smartest decision I ever made.
You would not call her “a hot babe.” She was cute enough in her youth, but never what most Westerners call “beautiful.” Nor was I madly in love, as most people would phrase it, when I sought her hand in marriage. I had only one thing on my mind: Would she support the calling and mission of God in my life?
It didn’t matter how little I knew of where that calling would take me over the years ahead. The question was primarily one of commitment to faith. Hers had to be the equivalent of mine. Otherwise, no other variable would make a bit of difference. You may not have such a sense of calling, but I’ll wager if you take the time to get to know yourself and what really and truly matters to you, you’ll also realize what you have to have in a spouse. If you don’t know yourself well enough to even think that way, don’t bother pretending you even understand romance enough to go out on a single date. If you aren’t aiming at longevity and stability under the fancy paint job called “romance,” shame on you.
Already, we have probably eliminated the vast majority of females you are likely to have encountered in your world. That is to say, the vast majority of Western women have no clue what they are supposed to be, how they should view themselves in the mirror of the soul. What we see with our eyes will surely call out to the hormones here in the Western world, but it is easily the biggest lie. So utterly false is our culture on this, I can state with utter confidence the correlation between physical attractiveness and marriage failure is far, far higher than mere chance. If she really appeals to your eyes, she’s probably the wrong gal for you.
Since we lack the fundamental understanding of human nature in the West to make assisted mate selection work properly, I am left warning you men of good conscience to close your eyes when you consider anything beyond cold and calculating acquaintance with a female. The very moment you seek warmth with any female not close enough to qualify as incest, close your eyes. Don’t think about the rush of hormonal urges; don’t let the hormones vote. Your personal taste is not a reliable indicator. Stop and consider in full depth whether it would actually work. You have to be utterly cruel to yourself for this to make any useful difference.
Yes, a big chunk of this depends entirely on how you are put together, and how you rate with the women, and many other factors. Just because you are utterly certain she’s the perfect fit does not oblige her to respond favorably. Don’t forget the constant factor of truth: You can’t take yourself too seriously, and can’t trust your own judgment on everything. In the end, you really must get help from those who care about you and know you best. At the same time, if she’s really right, it will eventually work out. You have to make yourself care most about the long term.
Aside from all this business of getting your head on straight first — insofar as that’s possible — there is one eternal principle you must seize upon and never let go. True lasting marital love and peace arises from a wise choice; it comes behind the commitment, not before. Choose wisely and the true romance will come later. We are built that way. Romantic love is not some unstoppable force which drags you into a relationship; it is sheer madness to think that way. True love comes later, and rightly so.
