The Gift of Aplomb

Sometimes the best reaction is none at all.
There’s a fancy word we stole from the French — aplomb. It comes from their word for lead, that base metal which weighs a lot for its size, and is pretty soft, typically used in bullets and surveyors’ equipment. To be a plomb in French is to be standing upright, by extension meaning undisturbed.
Just think what it means when you throw away the Victorian cultural mythology and simply don’t bother to splash a visual value judgment on things you encounter. You absorb the insane without reacting. You can probably figure out your own reasons for it, but as someone who has worked in counseling for most of my adult life, it’s the only way to get people to talk. If I start grimacing at things they say, they’ll stop saying them, or start saying things not true just to get a reaction.
It’s not the same has having no values. Yes, there is sin in this world, and I tend to write quite a bit seeking to define the idea and what deserves that label. But I need not throw a fit just because someone wants me to know they were involved in it. That dude in the mirror ain’t no saint, so it’s hard to stomp on someone else’s turf without hypocrisy. I can point to the sins of others because I can confess my own sins.
The only way you’re ever going to learn things is to observe, and that means trying to keep as much of yourself out of the observation process as possible. It’s not possible to be remote and aloof completely, but it is possible to reduce the barriers between yourself and other people by giving them a reason to think they can trust you with the truth as they best know it. Sure, mugging and clowning have their place, and you can usually tell when it’s effective for the context, or you should stop using it for awhile until you can learn better. But most of the time, just pay attention and see what comes next.
Yeah, I admit it helps a lot that I’ve already seen lots of things that make most people vomit. But I’m not hardened; I still get tears in my eyes when I see people suffering. It’s just that there is a time and place, and the context is not all that hard to discern much of the time. Most people who have needed some advice were often completely mistaken about what mattered, and my aplomb often gave them time to explore the thing. You’d be amazed how many people figure things out for themselves when they realize someone else wants to hear about it.
It’s a precious gift we give to the world when we offer aplomb.