Know yourself.
There were times in my childhood when my parents willingly engaged in behavior they knew would hurt me. They found it entertaining, in part because my sensitivities were despicable to them. Nobody is perfect; I have no doubt there were times I did the same thing to my own children. Most of that sort of thing happens because we simply aren’t conscious of the dynamics involved. It’s a part of our sin nature to take unfair advantage of the weaknesses of those we love most, and nobody knows your weaknesses better.
In those days my parents were blind to how a portion of what they hated in me was a reflection of themselves. I sincerely wish it was a part of our social mythology and curriculum to know better. So I write about it here and sound the warning about the flaws of our society. I turn my own scars into lessons for others. You don’t need to bleed from the same wounds as I got, nor the ones I caused others, if I can bring myself to confess them. Let’s try to minimize the wounds for ourselves and everyone else.
Too much of what contributed to my personal development was out of my control. Some portion of my personality was simply what came with my DNA, plus the environment I could not choose for myself. Thus, there is a wide range of things that bother me and there’s not much I can do to change that.
So I cannot simply decide something doesn’t hurt. I can decide how I react to that wound. There are some wounds that simply cannot be avoided; it’s just the way our world is. But there’s nothing wrong with trying to avoid those you can. There’s nothing wrong with asking some folks to avoid certain acts, words or gestures that cause you misery. There’s nothing wrong with pulling away from them a safe distance if they don’t stop.
You don’t have to imply they are doing anything inherently evil, only that it makes you uncomfortable. By the same token, you have to realize you may be asking too much, because what they do that causes you pain is something they find necessary. We refer to this as the issue of compatibility. Even when it seems they really do delight in your misery, it’s best to handle it as compatibility.
To the degree possible, we avoid incompatible folks. There is nothing immoral about that. Unless you feel a need to attempt some kind of conditioning to build up psychic scar tissue over some weak spot, you are entirely wise and justified for keeping that tender spot out of the line of fire. There is a sort of armoring we do where we dismiss the person from consideration in some ways. The popular phrase “consider the source” comes to mind. It’s not hatred, but self-preservation. It only becomes hatred when we refuse to admit we are no better, or that our personal perspective is somehow God’s standard for all humanity.
Yes, some things in our awareness really do seem essential to human life across the board. Still, even as a prophet, I often remind folks all I’m doing is reporting on my personal experience with God. There may be dire warnings attached, but even those are never more than my opinion. I don’t pontificate as if I could control your behavior or your internal reactions. I rely on God to make it truth for you. Even when I write stuff like this, I’m just reporting what my eyes see. It’s like saying, “think about it.”
For the most part, you should make these things conscious. In daily life, we shouldn’t whine and demand people change. We give them a chance to make a conscious note and decide what matters to them. That’s God’s mercy. They may have a moral objection to our sensitivities, but there’s nothing we can do about that. Without a covenant binding people to taking responsibility for others, we have no leverage. Covenants are entirely voluntary. Your judgments don’t apply where the covenant doesn’t place you in authority over another.
Since virtually all of Western humanity has no clue about covenants, it’s pretty hard to do much with that. Instead, we talk about friendship where it’s possible, and genuine love when it can be made to work. Friends find themselves able to stay off your tender toes and want to share things with you. A lover wants to be on your team enough to sacrifice even more. But without compatibility, those things simply don’t work.
When possible, don’t expose yourself to those who won’t or can’t care about your tender spots. You’ll have enough problems without creating bigger ones because you can’t be bothered to pay attention to your own soul. Decide wisely whether you are capable of avoiding wounding someone else. Care enough to steer clear of them, too.
You can’t know peace if you don’t know what is necessary for it.
